maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
