Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
