I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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