Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
