I wish I could punch you in the face.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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