the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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