there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He shit in the fireplace
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
