Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Drake has all the answers
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize