did you get engaged???
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
