I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
