I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
