): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
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