i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
im holly from the hills drunk
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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