Moan for me like Helen Keller
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
