I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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