Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
