The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
even my farts smell like vagina
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
