so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
