Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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