Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
the room spins SO much faster in panama
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
