level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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