Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
