but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
