I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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