Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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