i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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