I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
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