Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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