I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
