i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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