He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
