I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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