yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
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