Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
