Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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