Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
