Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
