Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
