I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
