Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
