There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
