i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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