the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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