Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
