I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
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