I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
And then he peed in my hair
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
