just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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