You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
