Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
