that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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