I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
