like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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