She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
