i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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