He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
