Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
