you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
This is my gift to your gina
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
