I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
