***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
