He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
