My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
