Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
